Saturday, March 24, 2007
never leave me alone.
i've learnt in the past week , that , i chandini, can't be left alone . even for 5 minutes.
in that 5 minutes, i procrastinate, stone,day dream, and finally, something not that bad,
soul-search.
The last action could be good.because i've come to realise the effort to achieve something recently has been proved to be futile.
Lately, i find myself not really smiling at people(not that ive always been),not acknowledging those i know. since no one had noticed, i have to pen this down here. the main point....
im trying to keep a low-profile.
i dont really know who my friends are. this is definitely not referrin to my clique, which consists of my bf,clown,usm,girlshome,chicken,purplefreak,benjamin,dianne,hazlin.
obviously theyre all from 2e2'05.These people will always have a special place in my heart or will never be forgotten, since i believe theyre already etched in my subconcious mind.
Excluding these people, i dont know if the people from, my class, my cca and school would actually mind if i acknowledge them.
the problem with me is, i dont say a HELLO to people whom i think actually despise me deep inside , or just wished they didnt knoe me.
im not afraid to mention names. the first group of people are : mr clown and his whole group.
i feel very 'EXTRA" and unwanted when theyre in my presence.i'd rather be invisible so that i dont have to go thru the torture of being ignored when im right there, infront of their manacing glares which have cryptic thoughts behind them.i hope i have the courage to ask them this, but being me, im not at all brave to voice out my thoughts.
CCA people : this includes people from all ccas, including mine. i dont knoe if they knoe me ,like i knoe them.we might have spoken to each other a number of times, but pretend we dont knoe each other or jus didnt see each other. like some people .. durin the march camp, we were all talking and laughing, like good friends. However, when we happen to see each other again,in school, they practically see through me.
because of all these ignorance and all, i possess an inferiority complex. is it cause im not attractive ie. slim/sexy, pretty and non indian? or isit because i'm not as so-called clever as you?
the 1st reason definitely plays a part in a social circle. the attractive ones always get the friends.
i cant do anything about it since im born this way, screw it.
the worst shit im going through now is , losing the people i know because of rumours. it sucks. they dont speak to me coz of all these. how i wish everyone could shut they trap. please please spare a thought for the person targetted. a perfect example. the stupid "thing" btw me and you-shud-noe-who. its realli vexing at times. nobody knoes. i just dont get it. its just in school that we never talk to each other because of you people. how i wish he and i could be good friends in person not only thru sms and whatevr.
and if i ever have to go through the emotional torture of liking him, i'll be more than happy to blame you people, who caused it.
oh damn. i just had to get things off my mind and heart. im sure nobody's ever gonna read this, but its for everyone who knoes me.
my only wish: to knoe my flaws through my friends, but im not getting any. im disappointed and sad. but no one will get it. its just me , you might say.
im gonna watch a movie with dearest clown . toodles
